The Mustard Religion

One must consider carefully the cults one chooses to join. Cults that offer Kool-Aid are usually to be avoided; not because the beverage itself is bad for you, although it is, but because of the mind-control aspects of the ritual. Giving your power over to the leader of a cult is something you should never do casually or without lots of forethought.

But there are cults, especially satirical cults, that are well worth joining. I've been a proudly ordained IrReverend in the Church of the Subgenius for several years, for example. (Or perhaps an ordained DisMinister. I can never remember.) I'm even co-responsible, or co-guilty, for recording and releasing a Subgenius Devival preaching CD, the Devival, Then Fire CD; plus I did the cover art.

But the most important, and the most salaciously addictive and dangerous cults, are the Totally Meaningless Cults. These are the ones to seek out. They cause harm to none but oneself—and only in the nicest possible way.



For example, I was introduced to The Mustard Religion in Chicago, at the recording studio, and submitted my will to that cult most enthusiastically. Here is the principle ritual of worship:

1. Mix up a batch of dried powder Chinese yellow mustard (by preference, use the pure stuff from Penzey's Spices). Use as little water as possible, so as to make the mustard as strong as possible, and viscous rather than dilute.

2. Apply as much mustard as humanly possible to the end of an eggroll.

3. Heartily bite off the end of the eggroll.

4. Wait until your eyes close involuntarily, your sinuses scream, and you can feel the top of your head explode as your crown chakra ignites in yellow psionic overdrive. It is very important, even central to our beliefs, that one must feel the headrush through the top of one's head, as though your crown chakra had been blown open from within by sinus-channelled high-velocity plasma.

5. Wait for the Paingasm® to subside. It will, eventually—since the effect of hot mustard, like horseradish and wasabi, and unlike almost all chili peppers, does wears off and does not linger. (Heat created by chilis is cumulative, and endures for a long time. Horseradish and mustard explode, then go away.) Beating of fists on counter is not encouraged, even if the counter is empty of sharp or pointed objects.

6. Repeat. Repeat often. Use even more mustard next time, if you dare.

There you have it. Practice at your own risk.



The Mustard Religion assumes neither blame nor credit for your results. Don't call us, we'll call you. Individual results may vary. If you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen. Do not fold, spindle, or mutilate.